John Mulaney | The Salt & Pepper Diner
THE BEST JOKE IN EXISTENCE
GOD I JUST TOLD SOMEONE ABOUT THIS STORY
This is one of the best pieces of comedy that I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing. I love this. I have been looking for this online for awhile.
“Every girl is expected to have caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama and doll tits. This is why everyone is struggling.”
Fun fact: Cheetahs only attack prey that runs
jesus that is good to know.
Yup, that’s the point you just stay still and let it do whatever the fuck it wants that doesn’t involved you getting eaten.
REALLY FUN FACT for big cats cheetahs are fucking docile as shit
my grandfather ran a cheetah sanctuary in south africa and he’d just lie with them and sleep among them and they’d rub against him and chirp at him they’re big fucking babies
Another Fun Fact: Cheetahs are incredibly nervous animals. One of the (many) reason’s they’re going extinct is that cheetahs are so sensitive and nervous, some of them are literally too nervous to breed. Others will breed, but stress themselves out so much, they’ll lose their cubs.
So zoos with breeding programs had to figure out how to make cheetahs comfortable enough to first of all, get laid and secondly - not spazz themselves into miscarrying.
So what’d they do?
They gave the cheetah’s their very own Service Dogs!
The dogs make them feel safe, protected and secure!
AJHHHHFDDGHH SO PRECIOUS
this post just got so much better
THIS IS OFFICIALLY MY FAVOURITE POST
Potterheads wake up from their nap in front of their common room’s fireplace with a half finished potions essay in front of them.
Whovians are woken up jolted from the captains seat while the TARDIS spins out of control and the Doctor flipping over the TARDIS controls.
Supernatural fans wake up on Bobby’s couch. Dean, Sam and Bobby just got news about a hunt and are about to call Cas for assistance.
Fringe fans wake up to tell Walter, Olivia and Peter about their experiences in the alternate reality.
Hangover fans wake up to find themselves in a completely fucked up situation in a trashed hotel room.
Gleeks wake up to find themselves sleeping in spanish class while Mr Shue drones on in spanish.
Torchwood fans wake up in the hub because of the loud make out session that Jack is having with Ianto in his office.
True Blood fans wake up buried underground, thirsting for blood.
Percy Jackson fans wake up to a new day of Demigod activities at Camp Half Blood.
The Hunger Games fans wake up… in the Hunger Games. The gamekeepers decided to fuck with them.
Pretty Little Liars fans wake up to the sound of a text message from A.
Gossip Girl fans wake up to Chuck, Dan and Nate in their bed. Oh yeaaaaaa.
Aiden Grimshaw fans wake up to being presidents of the Awesome People Party~
lord of the rings fans wake up in the shire on bilbo’s birthday and steal gandalf’s fireworks with merry and pippin.
trekkies wake up aboard the enterprise, preparing for alpha shift, tugging their respective tunics over their heads.
the legend of zelda fans wake up in hyrule, taking a break from their quest to sleep beneath a tree with epona.
psych fans wake up in the psych headquarters, wondering where their pineapple went.
the pacific fans wake up on peleliu. they’re surely fucked now.
buffy the vampire slayer fans wake up in the magic box before a hunt with buffy.
bioshock fans wake up in rapture, lying next to a splicer with a big daddy approaching.
Inception fans oh wait
X-Men fans wake up and realize they’re five minutes late to Professor X’s lecture on genetics.
Sherlock fans wake up on the couch at 221B Baker Street to Sherlock saying “obviously” and John cooking breakfast.
Starkid fans wake up on a distant planet surrounded by bugs… grody. Or maybe they wake up in Joey Richter’s bed.
it’s not like anyone would complain
Portal fans wake up in the Enrichment Centre to Wheatley telling them they might have a minor case of eh… serious brain damage.
Avatar: TLA fans wake up to the yells of the Gaang, saying they have to get up and hop on Appa since those dangerous ladies are chasing them again.
Fullmetal Alchemist fans wake up… because someone said ‘short’ in Edward Elric’s presence. And fuck, sleeping is kinda hard with a shrimp of an alchemist yelling “WHO DID YOU CALL A PIPSQUEAK SO SMALL YOU WOULDN’T SEE HIM WITH A MICROSCOPE?!”
Sanctuary Fans wake up to an abnormal loose in the Sanctaury and Helen Magnus handing you a stun gun.
Stargate Fans wake up to the sound of an unscheduled off world activation and Teal’c handing you a zat.
Once Upon a Time Fans wake up with a vague sense of confusion, but then happiness builds up in their hearts as they look down at themselves and see they are a storybook character and the Curse has been broken at last.
Pirates of the Caribbean Fans wake up marooned on a desert island, head banging from the after effects of rum and too much sun, next to a highly annoyed Captain Jack Sparrow, watching the Black Pearl sail away under Barbossa’s command again.
Avengers fans wake up to another day fighting crime and protecting the city with the avengers.
Criminal Minds fans wake up in Quantico to Hotch telling them ‘Wheels up in 30. Briefing on the jet.’
Literally the Best thing ever!
^^ reblogging for the inception one
Welcome to Night Vale fans well… just another day in Night Vale
THE INCEPTION ONE
Hetalia fans wake up to Germany yelling at them that they are going to be late for training.
Attack on Titan fans wake up crying in a quiet field next to your sister.
black butler fans wake up in an ornate room at the phantomhive manor in 18th century England with Sebastian knocking at the door saying breakfast and tea are being served down the dining room.